


When Q Mixed Penguins and the Lanteans

by mandykaysfic



Series: It's a Q AU [4]
Category: Star Trek, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Anthropomorphic, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Penguins, Stuffed Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7027096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandykaysfic/pseuds/mandykaysfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Q Continuum continue to meddle in universes other than Trek. It seemed logical to turn the Lanteans into penguins, but not the aquatic flightless birds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Q Mixed Penguins and the Lanteans

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. A huge thank you to all of the authors and artists who wrote and drew the Lanteans as penguins and other anthropomorphic things that appear as creations of the Q Continuum in this fic. See notes at the end for the real creator credits.  
> 2\. I found an old bingo card which included the following prompts: crackfic, crack treated seriously, character turned into an animal, Authorial Confusions and Other Signifiers of badfic , and anthropomorphism. This may very well fit any of these.

"Oh, look! Penguins!" Carly picked up the soft toys from the table and waved them in her friend's direction. She and Rhonda went to the second hand market most Sundays, hoping to find a bargain.

"They're the Happy Feet penguins. You should get them for your granddaughter."

Carly held the penguins so they faced one another. "Remember when I told you about the pictures someone posted on one of the fan sites and they drew John Sheppard and Rodney McKay as penguins. These are John and Rodney. From Stargate Atlantis," Carly elaborated when Rhonda looked at her in askance, as she nodded the penguins toward each other, as if they were holding a conversation. "I know; you've never watched it. You prefer crime shows to sci-fi. These so remind me of the John and Rodney penguin pics."

"Ask how much they are. Bella's not quite one; she's not going to care whether the penguins are Mumble and Ramon or John and Rodney. "

"What?"

"Their names are really Mumble and Ramon. That's what everyone else will call them." 

"No, they won't. They're John and Rodney. All I need to do is repeat their names often enough," said Carly stubbornly. "How much for the penguins?" she asked the girls who had the stall. "See, this is exactly like John's hair, except for the color." She flashed a guilty look in Rhonda's direction; she knew Rhonda knew who would really own the penguins. "Besides, the rest of the family will humor me." 

Rhonda laughed. "I'm sure _Bella_ will love John and Rodney. Although, come to think of it, they could be Gibbs and DiNozzo."

"Of course you would prefer them as your beloved NCIS heroes," said Carly dryly, "but I'm really not getting the silver fox vibe for either of these little guys."

"I don't know. I don't think I want to sell them anymore," said the taller of the two girls, after listening to the lively exchange. She grinned at her friend. "I could be getting rid of Harry and Draco."

Her friend shook her head. "Not likely. I can't see those two as penguins."

"Nor can I. These two are definitely not Potter and Malfoy," Carly agreed quickly. "They'll have a good home, you know. My little granddaughter will adore them. I'll even keep them at my place then they will be something extra special for her when she comes to visit." Carly ignored Rhonda's subtle jab to her toes with her walking stick. "Look, I'll carry them in this bag with their heads sticking out so they can see where they're going. Hold John and Rodney for me," she ordered Rhonda, and rummaged in her bag for her coin purse. "How much did you say?" she asked nonchalantly. _Two dollars, two dollars_ , she mentally projected. _Damn it. I shouldn't have shown how much I want them. If they're ten dollars each, she can keep them. The most I'll go is four each. Come on, say two dollars._

"Okay. You've convinced me," said the girl. "A dollar each for John and Rodney."

"Sold!" Carly handed over two dollars before anyone could change their mind and then settled John and Rodney as promised. "Thanks so much."

"You are such a fangirl," teased Rhonda, as they continued around the market. "You got a bargain, you know. They still have their tags."

*

"It would seem that the dice may be rigged. I wager we have created more alternate Stargate Atlantis universes featuring anthropomorphism than any other. Have we ever turned Kirk and Spock into cakes or cookies? Made a universe with Holmes and Watson as beans and mustard?" pontificated Q.

"It was a pea and ketchup," put in Q. "Nobody puts mustard on beans. Not even the Z'tac."

"Did we choose socks for the Winchester brothers? We did not," continued Q, ignoring the interruption. "That also was the Lanteans."

"The socks really upset the Ancients," sniggered Q. "What should you choose that would really drive them crazy?"

Q drummed his fingers on the table. "Sheppard and McKay, Sheppard and McKay. It's always those two who end up as sentient non-sentient items. You'd think someone would roll Weir or Beckett or Lorne. I agree; the dice are rigged."

"I've got an idea. A belt and belt buckle. I'm sure we haven't had that before. Would Sheppard be better as the buckle or McKay?" 

"Which one has the bigger prong?" smirked Q.

While the others debated the merits of pieces of computer equipment and other technology, (McKay should be a ZPM), modes of transport, (couldn't you see Sheppard as Tom Paris' Delta Flyer? Not now, but keep that in mind for the appropriate crossover universes), and other various possibilities, Q ran the Q-viewer, looking for inspiration in a dozen different times and places.

"I've got it!" he announced.

"What? What? What?" The others crowded round, eager to get a glimpse of the potential fate of Sheppard and McKay.

"Penguins! I shall turn them into penguins!"

" _Penguins!_ That's not original. They've been penguins. We even gave them a penguin son. Who could forget that?"

"Ah, but they haven't been _these_ penguins. Watch this." With a click of his fingers, the screen enlarged, the volume increased, and the scene on the screen ran backwards until it reached the point where Q reset it to run in the more usual direction for humans.

The Q watched Carly and Rhonda visit the stall at the market. They listened carefully to the conversation regarding the identity of the toy penguins. 

"Hmm, as you so rightly point out, they haven't been fluffy toys," said Q as he considered Q's suggestion.

"They are rather cute," cooed Q. She smiled. "I can certainly see the resemblance." 

"Just do it!" exclaimed Q.

"I've heard that before," muttered Q.

"Very well. If none of you object to the introduction of some of the other characters, I have several ideas to make this a little more interesting."T he Continuum were sticklers for the rules, so Q was uncertain as to how the others would react to his suggestion. To his relief, they agreed to all of his suggestions, starting with the first, which allowed him to roll the character dice at certain points along the timeline, rather than during the creation period as they usually did.

"Then take your seats and prepare to enjoy the Lanteans' lives as toy penguins."

*

John Sheppard. His new name was John Sheppard. He liked it better than Ramon. He felt like a John Sheppard. The bits that clung to the name Ramon were fading. John pushed them further away; they took up 'John' space.

_Hey, Mumbles, I mean McKay. That's what she called you. McKay_

_That's Doctor McKay, thank you very much. Doctor Rodney McKay, Ph.D., Ph.D._

_Wait! What's with all the Doctor Ph.D., Ph.D. crap?_

_I…I don't know. It was just there. In my head. John, what's wrong with me? Ramon? No, you're not Ramon. You're John. You're my friend, Colonel John Sheppard. John…._

"Q! You seem to have a slight glitch with McKay's memories. The brain parasite isn't meant to occur for a few years. I'm sure we all remember that. We've broken off more than a few alternate universes at that point."

"Actually, soft toys would never suffer from a brain parasite. Their stuffing may drop out, which would probably have a similar effect, but—"

"All right, that's enough!" interrupted Q. "Give them a moment to adapt to their new bodies. It won't take long."

Q was correct. By the time Carly and Rhonda had finished scouring the market and were heading home with their bargains, the penguins were indubitably John and Rodney. 

*

Carly refused to keep John and Rodney in the tub with the other soft toys she'd accumulated for her granddaughter to play with; they lived on a shelf in the book case. They were fortunate enough that the shelf was high enough that the television was visible, and that both Carly and her husband Ryan were Star Trek fans. The four of them happily watched the reruns of _Star Trek: The Next Generation_. 

John and Rodney grew used to being chewed and dropped and screeched at by young Bella. Every week, Carly took them off the shelf and handed them over to the toddler. 'Don and Wonney' went to the park for a swing, the café for babyccinos, and snuggled together under the blanket when it was nap time. However, it was a new game that provoked odd feelings of familiarity in both John and Rodney. Carly had drawn a bunch of symbols on a large ring of paper, which she'd taped to the rim of a blue plastic tub. She picked up John and handed Rodney to Bella.

"Look, Bella! Nanna made a Stargate. Today John and Rodney are going to explore the Pegasus galaxy. Watch!" She tossed John into the tub. "Your turn, Bella! Send Rodney through the Stargate with John."

"Fwo Wonney," agreed Bella. She toddled up to the tub and dropped Rodney on top of John. "Again?"

"Again," said Carly. "There are lots planets to visit. Who said eye-hand coordination games couldn't be fun?" 

They spent an enjoyable twenty minutes throwing John and Rodney through the Stargate, with Bella eventually managing to get Rodney through the gate from a distance of six feet. 

"You know, Bella, what we need is the rest of the team. John and Rodney shouldn't go exploring without Teyla and Ronon."

*

Q paused the Q-viewer. "Pass me the die."

"This should be interesting."

"That's the whole point," said Q. "Interesting."

All pairs of eyes followed the path of the die as it rolled along the table. Which of the twelve Lanteans would join John and Rodney as a penguin?

"It's Weir. Elizabeth Weir."

"That _will_ be interesting. Weir's in command. She's not a member of a Gate team. Will Carly stick to Stargate canon, or will she let Elizabeth go through the Gate with John and Rodney?"

Another roll of the die was the consensus when Carly sent the furry red and white penguin, produced with a flourish by her husband and duly named Elizabeth Weir, home with Bella. A small black and white penguin found in a thrift shop was christened Torren, while a slightly bigger blue one purchased from a tourist shop during a weekend holiday became Madison. John and Rodney still lacked their Gate team, and the Q shouted loudly at the die each time Q rolled it.

*

"Ryan, look who I found," called Carly. She rushed into the living room, waving not one, but two penguins. "It's Ronon and Teyla! John has his team."

Ryan took the larger penguin from Carly and examined it closely. "Doesn't look much like him."

"But he has the Ronon-vibe. Let me get John and Rodney. You'll see."

"Huh. You could be right. Do you want me to make him some dreads?"

"Could you really? We are definitely watching Atlantis season two tonight."

"Do you want to start with part three of 'The Siege' or go straight for 'Runner'?"

"Oh, 'Runner', I think. We haven't watched it in ages."

"With pizza?" Ryan asked hopefully. It wasn't their regular night for take-away.

"Ronon wants pizza," said Carly with a laugh. 

"Not to mention John and Rodney."

"And Teyla."

"And Teyla, of course," agreed Ryan. Later, he wasn't surprised to see Sheppard's team of penguins lined up on one of the armchairs facing the television, despite the lack of Bella's presence. Nor was he surprised when Carly mentioned keeping an eye out for suitable candidates to be Lorne and Parrish.

 

 _Wraith!_ Ronon reached for a blaster he didn't have.

 _Now, wait just a minute._ John couldn't believe his eyes. The Enterprise in all her incarnations, Deep Space Nine and the Defiant, Voyager and the Delta Flyer, the Tardis, Red Dwarf and Starbug, the various Thunderbirds, the Jupiter 2; he was familiar with all of them and more, but the Stargate, the Pegasus galaxy, puddlejumpers and these people who shared their names – the games Carly played with Bella suddenly made a great deal of sense. 

_What's going on? Sheppard, who are these people? Are they meant to be us?_ The theme music played and Rodney fell silent when he saw Atlantis. A few minutes later, he started again. _Hey! I'm not like that. They've got that bit wrong_ , complained Rodney as the human Rodney protested the U.V. index of P3M-736.

 _You complain about babyccinos not containing coffee_ , said John.

 _Be quiet_ , ordered Teyla. _I wish to watch this. I don't want to miss anything that may be important._

Unable to remain completely silent, John and Rodney contrived to keep the volume of their observations reasonably low.

 _Sorry_ , muttered Ronon, when Teyla fell to the ground. 

_Do not worry about it_ , answered Teyla absently, intent on watching the action unfold on the screen.

 

*

The Q listened to the penguins thoughts regarding their counterparts until the end of the episode.

"That was fun, but I don't want to watch anymore, said Q. He stood up and stretched.

"Are you sure? They're going to watch 'Duet' next."

"Rodney's going to love that one. It's a shame you didn't roll Carson before this."

"I would have liked to have seen Ronon's reaction when she brought home a penguin she decided was Todd the Wraith."

Q clicked his fingers once and then twice more. The action on the screen sped up ten-fold, and then twenty-fold. "I planted a compulsion to continue buying toy penguins. When she gives them a name, they'll take on that person's characteristics. See here, and here." 

At the first break, a dozen penguins shared the book shelf. At the second, the number had doubled, and Bella, now the size of a four year old, was filling her arms with penguins ready to play a new game with her Nanna. 

"Today, Doctor Carson can save Parrish from the dreaded lurgy. Then John will break his leg when he falls out of the puddle jumper. Dr Carson will be so busy. I better get Nurse Marie to help. Clone Carson can help too. Where is the puddlejumper, Nanna?"

"What will Rodney do today?" asked Carly as she handed over the toy bus Bella used to fly the penguins around the galaxy.

"Rodney can help me build a big tower and in it will he will make a PQR."

"You mean a ZPM," said Carly, smothering a smile. They'd been singing the alphabet song earlier in the day.

"Rodney builds the best XY-ZPMs in the world," responded Bella, spreading her arms wide and dropping the penguins on the floor. She rescued Rodney from the pile, settled him next to the box of blocks and entered into an involved discussion regarding the best use of the blue blocks. Rodney thought they made a better base than the red ones, she informed Carly, who solemnly agreed that Rodney would know.

And so Q put the Q-viewer away, and went about the business of the Continuum, and left the universe with the sentient soft toy penguins to follow its own path.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> The anthropomorphisms in this tale were inspired by:
> 
> The Epic Tale of Rodney and John, Two Girl Scout Cookies in Love by bitter_crimson  
> A Big Delight in Every Bite by entwashian (cupcakes)  
> You Only Ever Lose One by thighholster (socks)  
> The Eternally Unnamed by Lavvyan (pea & ketchup)  
> over 20 penguin fics and drawings - there's a list compiled by thirdblindmouse, and other fics in this category at sgagenrefinders on livejournal  
> Lists of other anthropomorphic fics can also be found at sgagenrefinders


End file.
